The Creeping Terror

This movie is the crowning achievement of psychoanalytical hipster movies. Small town America gets invaded by an evil monster—sounds like something we’ve seen a dozen times every year since the thirties, right? Wrong, because in this movie the monster is a giant penis with a vagina that eats people. Just look at that class illustration on the box art if you don’t believe me.

Clearly a comment on the repressed sexuality of the fifties and not at all an attempt to make a legitimately scary movie, The Creeping Terror teaches us lots of stuff. Such as that if you do anything even remotely sexual, such as dancing, then a giant hairy penis will barge into your place and kill everyone. The creeping monster is the vengeful messenger of god.

Obviously this is a movie for the educated man, since it is full of deep meaning and imagery. The monster represents the droids that will defeat communism, and the professor who tries to learn from the monster represents the Taco Bell employees who get your order wrong. How complicated could this taco possible be, seriously.

10/10, best movie since Inception.

2009 was three years ago.

doctor-lucky:

The ‘new’ Star Trek is three years old.

Up! is three years old.

Avatar is three years old.

As is Coraline and The Princess and the Frog.

You can’t have a proper 2009 appreciation post without mentioning District 9, Moon and Splice. Strong year for movies.

Gigli

This is probably the best fucking romantic comedy you could ever see. Forget all that You’ve Got Mail / Maid in Manhattan garbage—you don’t know  anything about chick flicks until you’ve seen this amazing movie.

In this movie, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are gangsters who kidnap an autistic teenager for extortion love. And if you think they’re bad parents the you must be dumb, because the director is clearly casting them as good people. Therefore you are wrong and should be ashamed of yourself.

This movie has also caught onto the fact that Baywatch is a religious experience, and being on the Baywatch set is akin to reaching nirvana. The film depicts one family’s quest to reach the set of Baywatch as a journey towards respect and understand, with J.Lo ranting about her vagina all along the way. Love is magic and this movie is amazing. It changed my life for the better, and I learned many things, such as the fact that all lesbians are into men. Thanks, Jennifer Lopez, for teaching me about lesbians. Also fuck you.

You are now aware that The Human Centipede 2 hits DVD on Valentines Day.

Highlander 2

This is simply the most satisfying sequel I have ever seen. It is a rare movie that can surpass the original, but Highlander 2 does just that. Don’t take my word for it: the fans and critics alike have shared a rare bond over the striking class and beauty of this visual masterpiece. Yes, it’s a science fiction masterpiece that puts Bladerunner to shame with the versatility of it’s special effects and leaves nothing out in terms of blowing me away with it’s amazing plot. In a stunning turn of events, the mystical warriors we met in the first Highlander movie are revealed to be time travelling space muslims from the planet Gorak. It takes a truly tortured genius to create a work of this magnitude. For the first time in the Highlander series, everything is just as it should be and it’s no wonder this plot device became a defining feature of the Highlander movies, completely redacting the backstory of the first one and laying the groundwork for everything that came next. Everything makes sense now.